Suing The Bugle

That's it. I'm suing. THAT'S RIGHT. Suing. Who am I suing?? The BUGLE, that's who! How DARE they insinuate that my charitable- that's right CHARITABLE! - foundation is somehow linked with that sleazeball Carz, much less paying protection money to him! That, buddy boy, is crossing the line. It's libel. Slander! My foundation helps SO MANY women it's not funny.

· We helped Wren get a new apartment

· We bought tissues for Gwen

· We helped Jenny get a new job when she was caught stealing braised sparrows at Moxies

· We helped Leisha through the trauma of finding Coombs' body in Bohunk's freezer

· We helped Karen Goodwell find a new publisher when they found out she hated birds

· We helped pay a fraudulent invoice received from The Ditch by an anonymous woman

· We helped pay for a student's four-year tuition at Beseech Academy

And we invested wisely.

· We bought a valuable swamp at the site of the proposed Pencil Place

· We bought a controlling interest in Bohunks

· We bought 200,000 lotto tickets

· We became part owners of the Nailyard Wrestling Team

And, I might add, we're in talks with Dylan Mocha to buy his nightclub and revert it back to the revered, iconic Ditch that everyone loved.

So, there!

It's popcorn time, baby. I'm gonna crush your two-bit rag like a Lusher grape. See you in court.